so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm sobbing to NWA
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
