weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
