You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
