I think I am morally bankrupt
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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