the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
