the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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