a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
