Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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