I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
