Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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