if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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