You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
