his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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