Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
