I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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