Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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