I'm so fucking centered right now
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
