umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Randomize
