If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
He melted the stem
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.