I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
