I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
