She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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