I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i used baking grease as lip gloss
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Pants are for mortals
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
