She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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