I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
