I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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