i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Randomize
