I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
