so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
