Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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