In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
