a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
