Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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