The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
