i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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