the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
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He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
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I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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