I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
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I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
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On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize