Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
