I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
