i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Too much gin, very little bucket
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
