Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
we're making bets on your personal life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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