the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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