So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
