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i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I pour the whiskey from now on
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