if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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