Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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