I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
