He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
