Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
