My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
