i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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