the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
