she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
