I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
