god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
