I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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